she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
