So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize