you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
