drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
