Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
