This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Randomize
