Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I need help removing her.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
