Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
