My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
