I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
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