I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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