Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
