Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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