Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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