on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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