The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
