I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
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