I can text with my tongue
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
