My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Randomize
