just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
