You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
