bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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