I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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