i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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