One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
