i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize