I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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