She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
