On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Randomize
