Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
