the condom got lost in my hair
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
