My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
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