How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Someone signed my nipple.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
