dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
