But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize