just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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