3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
