I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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