So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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