I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
