So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
