I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
