3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
