false alarm. still invincible.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
