I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
