woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
