Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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