Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
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