girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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