If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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