She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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