People in love make me want to vomit
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Randomize
