I wish my penis had an off switch
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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