mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
