I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Randomize
