can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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