Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
