I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
