$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I think my fart just growled at me.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize