I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
